Lessons from the Journey... Plus a New Adventure

I've been at this journey called "Motherhood" for about 9 weeks now and I'm learning a lot about all kinds o stuff... quick recap: how to take a baby's temperature, multi-tasking, getting stuff done with waaaay less sleep, asking for help- ok, you get the idea. I think the biggest lessons I've been learning are about me. They say the teacher always learns more than the students because they prepare the lessons, and the same thing is true about motherhood.

Recap of what I've learned about me:
1. I'm an extrovert. Yes, I'm sure you're all rolling your eyes because you already knew this. What can I say, I'm a slow learner!
2. Asking for help is something I'm really not so good at... but I'm getting better!
3. I don't have to be perfect- I need to give myself a break. Seriously, this is the one I want to focus on briefly.

I am the kind of person who is very hard on themselves, who expects perfection and anything less isn't my best. Yeah, a great way to set yourself up for feeling like a failure at pretty much everything, especially being a mom. I'm learning that I can't do it all. I simply can't. There's always more that needs to be done, but that doesn't mean I have to do it all at once. Pick one thing. Do it. Move on to something else. Repeat. And sometimes, this means holding and rocking and soothing my son.

I struggle with feeling like I don't get enough done during the day and scramble in the evening to get it done and have very little "momma time" (I don't expect a lot, mind you.). But I'm learning that this is a normal feeling. I feel like I've got so much to do and I can never get ahead. We live in a social media world so it can be difficult to look around and feel like everyone else has their life together but me.

I know the truth. I know everyone doesn't have it all together. I know there's always more stuff to do and I just need to pick and choose what I'm going to do and when. I know that I have to take care of me and that means stopping and choosing to not work on stuff and do something fun for me (a bubble bath, reading, blogging, etc).

Most importantly, I know that I don't have to be a prefect mom- that I can't be a perfect mom but I can do my best and rely on grace every day. I know that I have to give myself a break. I cannot do it all and that's okay.

Okay, now that I've shared a little bit about where I am in this learning process, I'd like to share with you our new adventure... Drum roll please.... After two years at my previous job, I have resigned and am now staying home with Little Man! The husband and I feel very blessed that I can stay home and take care of our Little Man. It is a new adventure and we are so very excited!

Truth is...

Truth is, I should be folding laundry but I just can't muster up enough anything to convince myself I really want to fool with it tonight.

Truth is, I'm thrilled my Little Man is asleep even if it is because he's tired from his 1st round of immunizations.

Truth is, I'm thinking very strongly of switching to cloth diapers.

Truth is, I can come up with a thousand and one things to do during the day but by the evening when I could actually do them, I can't remember a single thing.

Truth is, I'm at the point in my day where stringing together a coherent sentence can be difficult.

Truth is, I need to start the dishwasher and make sure stuff for tomorrow morning is prepped (have an early, early for us, start to the day but I can't seem to lift my body out of the chair just yet.

Truth is, motherhood isn't what I expected- it's way better.

Truth is, I've never been so perpetually exhausted in my life but it instantly fades away when that precious boy of mine smiles at me.

Truth is, I love my boys and can't imagine life without them .

Little Man: A Birth Story

We went to the hospital the evening of July 4 to begin the induction process. I hadn't made much progress in the weeks leading up to my due date and my doctor wanted to go ahead and induce labor while she was the doctor on call, which put us having a baby on July 5, 2013. Anyway, we arrived at the hospital after spending some time with family (it was the Forth of July after all!) and after some confusion on the part of the hospital (aka: they had been expecting us the night before!) we were taken to a room where they proceeded to poke, prod, and hook me up to all kinds of monitors. A few hours later, they came in and gave me cervadil, a drug to dilate my cervix and suggested I rest as much as possible. My mom and dad came by to bring me a late night snack since I wouldn't be allowed to eat after midnight and we'd eaten an early dinner.

We were both already feeling tired as we approached midnight, but tired would be the least of our worries over the next couple of days. At about midnight, I notice my back was starting to hurt, but I didn't think much of it. I mean seriously, if I thought much about it whenever my back hurt then I'd be thinking about my back hurting a LOT. Over the next several hours, I would move between standing next to the bed, swaying, and trying to recline in the bed to relieve the pain and pressure. As it turns out, I was in back labor. Ladies, if you've been through this, then you know there's nothing worse than back labor without drugs.

At 4:30, the nurse came in to start my pitocin drip. The pitocin did exactly what it was supposed to- start contractions, which naturally intensified my back labor and made me feel miserable at best. My doctor was set to arrive and break my water at about 7am, and my goal was to not have any pain medication until after she arrived. Everyone has their own way of managing pain, and in this case, mine was music. I have turned on my ipod while I was swaying because it gave me something to concentrate on and allowed me to sway in time to the music. When the pitocin started making the contractions worse, I scrolled down the list and cranked the volume on my earbuds to Shine Down. I listened to "45" and "Simple Man" more times than I can count. If the contractions felt like they were getting more intense, I would simply turn up the volume a little and focus on it. Seriously, it helped. Whatever gets you through.

My doctor arrived about 7am and broke my water (and to all my sweet friends, thanks for telling my how much fun THAT was... yeah, read, "NO FUN AT ALL!"). There was a point at about 6am when I really thought I wasn't going to make my goal of no pain meds until after my doc came, but praise the Lord I made it! I was thrilled to make my goal (small though it was) and when my doctor said I could have an epidural, I was THRILLED!

I had met with the nurse anesthetist shortly after admission to get everything lined up so it didn't take very long to get the epidural, but my contractions were getting more intense and I was NOT very fun to be around. My sweet husband who had spent the night sleeping on the too short couch in our delivery room  made a comment about my "ET" finger (heart rate monitor that lit up and made my finger look like ET), and I told him in no uncertain terms to "SHUT UP!!!!"... In all fairness, I was having a contraction at that moment while they were trying to stick a giant needle into my back and wasn't feeling like joking. In the end, I made the same joke and my very wise hubby discerned to save the jokes for later.

After the epidural kicked in, everything was pretty smooth sailing with a few visitors coming in and out and trying to nap (and napping is hard when your blood pressure is being taken every 20-30 min and you're hooked up to all kinds of monitors). My doctor had been monitoring me from her office down the street and arrived to check on our progress about 2:30-3 o'clock in the afternoon. My epidural had slowed down everything a good bit but we had progressed a little bit and made the decision to wait a few more hours before discussing the need for a c-section.

This is where everything starts to get crazy. Within a couple minutes of my doc leaving the room, the nurse and my husband noticed my contractions had flat-lined and that Baby's heart rate was dropping again (we'd already had some issues with that earlier but the oxygen they gave me helped). My doctor came back in and within about two minutes time, she said we needed to have a c-section... stat. The next thing I knew, there was a heard of people entering my room and all modesty, dignity, etc was gone as they proceeded to kindly, but very forcefully poke, prod and get me prepped for surgery. I wasn't really nervous in the room, but as they wheeled my down the hall, the butterflies started fluttering in my tummy. My husband was only allowed to come part of the way, but was brought into the OR shortly after I was settled on the table.

It is a strange experience having people introduce themselves to you while someone else is moving your around, but that's the way it worked for me. "Hi, I'm Doctor ____________ and I'm going to assist in your c-section today." Everyone was super kind as we got situated and for that I am very thankful.

My husband was brought in and I felt a lot better then, minus the butterflies that had tuned to rocks in my tummy. I was definitely not feeling great (gotta love all those surgery drugs!) but I was ready for them to get Baby out and make sure he was okay.

A few minutes later, I could hear my doctor say, "Happy birthday Baby Boy!!! And he is ALL boy!!". I was relieved! You never know if those ultrasounds are going to be correct... I said to my husband, "are we sure that's our baby? He isn't crying very loudly." Hubby aptly said, "Honey, they have an oxygen mask on his face, that's why he doesn't seem very loud". Oh. Right. Once they removed the mask, I KNEW he HAD to be our baby- boy! He was MAD at the doctor for removing him from his cozy home! Hearing his first cry sent a cold wave through me- he was HERE, after all these months and all the waiting!! Magical!

And that's where the magic ended. The nurse brought Little Man over for us to see him (all 7lbs, 3oz, 19 3/4 inches of him) for a brief second, but that was it. Within a couple minutes, my doctor told my husband that she was sending him and Little Man to recovery and keeping me a little bit longer. We had been hearing the doctors on the other side of the curtain talking about everything being too spongy and not tightening up properly, and we had heard them call down and order a couple units of blood. I knew something wasn't quite normal but I was so out of it that I didn't think past that.

I have no idea how long I was in the OR after my husband and son were taken to recovery. I remember waking up and feeling horribly nauseous shortly before they took me out of the OR. As we were leaving and headed down the hall, I asked where we were going, "We're going to ICU". Thankfully, I was still so out of it from the medicine that all I could think was, "well, that's not good".

I was wheeled into my ICU room and shaking like a junkie in withdrawal. I was so cold and drugged and utterly exhausted. The staff was so kind and sweet but professional they whole time. I asked about my baby and husband and they reassured me that my baby was healthy and perfectly fine, and that I could see my husband soon. I was actually more worried about my husband and parents than I was the baby. I knew they would all be so scared and I just wanted to see them so they knew I was okay. I wanted them with me. Sure enough, not long at all after entering my ICU room, they brought in my husband, followed a few minutes later by my parents.

I learned from the anesthesiologist who came to check on me (several times through the next couple days) that I had lost about 2 liters of blood and turned very grey. He said, as I was laying in ICU, that I was really looking very good and pink. He told me that if I hadn't been in a hospital or if this had happened to me at another point in history, I would not have made it. My parents were there for this exchange. This is important because when I was born, I was very blue and they weren't sure I would make it since I was about 8 weeks early. My dad said he was remembering the first time I turned pink... Now you know why I wanted them to know I was okay.

My doctor came in and told us what happened and why I was in ICU. When they got Little Man out, my uterus should have started contracting and shrinking back to it's normal, pre-baby size. It didn't. My uterus was so worn out that it simply could not contract and shrink, and thus I kept bleeding and bleeding. In order to try and stop the bleeding, they inserted a balloon into my uterus. This is a rare procedure, and if it hadn't worked I would have gone back into surgery to have a hysterectomy.

When my doctor told me that, all I could think was, "But I just had a baby and now at 25 you're telling me I might not have another... I guess we will adopt". You do not expect to go into the hospital to have a baby and be told that you might have to have all your lady business removed... particularly at 25 years old. I was shocked and scared, well as much as I could be (I was OUT OF IT!). My sweet husband's thought was a little different. Bless him, his thought was "Good there's one more thing they can do before I loose her". Sobering.

We would wait in ICU until they removed the balloon the next afternoon and pray it worked. There were so many people praying for us! Oh my goodness! How blessed are we to have been so covered in prayer! I'm holding back tears as I think about our friends and family who prayed for us, and with us- I am so humbled! In case you didn't know, this is what the church does, people! Oh, there are no words to describe how blessed and humbled we are to have been so covered in prayer and love- thank you, from the bottom of our hearts!!!

It was in that ICU room that I got to hold Little Man for the first time! Normally, you can get a picture in the OR where dad puts baby next to mom's face for a picture, but since we didn't have a normal c-section, this didn't happen. It was 5 or 6 hours before I got to see Little Man and hold him. But it was worth it! I can't describe how wonderful it was to hold him!!! In that moment, nothing else mattered.

We spent that night sleeping on and off and generally loosing all track of night or day. The medications were wearing off and I had been given 2 units of blood and a unit of frozen plasma. I was exhausted and uncomfortable to say the least.

The next day, my doctor came in just was promised and removed the balloon. I think we all held our breath- IT WORKED!!!! PRAISE THE LORD, IT WORKED!!!!! I wasn't going to have to go back into surgery! I wasn't going to have a hysterectomy! We could have more kids... someday! Relief!!!!

This meant we could be moved to a regular room!!!!! Good-bye ICU!!! Woohoo!!!!!! The next couple days were spent like pretty much anyone else- lots of visitors (the hospital did let people into ICU to see us and I'm so thankful!) and hospital staff, and poking and such. I was glad when I could actually sleep once we got home- I was tired!

I could easily transition here into our first week at home, or even a recap of our first month, but I will save those observations for another post. To our family and friends, thank you for your prayers, love, support, help, etc over the past month. We could not have survived this past month without you- thank you for showing us Jesus in all you have done for us- WE LOVE YOU!!!!!!!

I go back and forth on how I feel about everything we have walked through with Little Man's birth. But at the end of the day, this is our story, this is my story, regardless of whether I like it or want it. Some days, I struggle with "why me". My sweet friend Rachel, gave me a new perspective: "it's just proof that God has a special plan for you, for Little Man and for your family. It shows you that He's not done growing your family." Wow. I hadn't thought about it like that. This life is a journey of faith- and I am so thankful in a God who does miracles and who puts the right people in my path to continually point me to Him.

First picture as a family of three!!! 

Pregnancy Observations

I have been trying to get this post written for about a month now, if not longer. To say our lives are busy would probably be an understatement  The funny thing is, 1/2 of our business belongs to the regular, nothing special, kind of stuff that everyone deals with: laundry, dishes, chores, work etc. But when you mash that up with a stick of butter and the getting ready for baby, figuring out where we're going to live (current apt will be a bit snug, to put it mildly), taxes, etc, then our lives go from normal to "Holy flying cow, Batman!" in about 2.5 nano seconds. Anyway, all that to say, life is a little crazy.

I've been noticing little things as I go throughout my daily routine. Pregnancy is it's own beast. I mean, seriously, people treat you differently, and that may or may not be a good thing. Some days, it seems like your own body is completely foreign, like aliens came in the night and turned you into a strange creature, the likes of which you have never encountered. We all have our own way of doing things, but pregnancy changes the rules and suddenly you're thrust into the 5th inning of a baseball game that involves hockey sticks and tennis balls on a basketball court- the rules have changed and this is a whole new ball game.

I find myself having to learn new ways to do simple tasks, like bending over. I never gave much thought to retrieving a dropped item from the floor, I simply bent over and pick up the item without a second thought. Not so much anymore. I can still bend over (I'm not huge, ya'll! Sheesh!), but it's not quite as easy and I am starting to make sure the item is to my side, rather than directly in front of me. Getting in and out of bed is more interesting, especially if my muscles are stiff. Oh and then there's sleeping. Oh boy. Sleeping is really interesting.

I used to be a very cold- natured person, so much so that my dad took to calling me Freezer Queen. Lately, I've been freezing my husband out of bed. In addition to the fact that I now prefer significantly fewer blankets on the bed, I have been spending the past few months adjusting my sleeping position- and boy has THAT been a transition!

I have also noticed that the way people look at me has changed. It used to be that people would actually look at my face first, but now they look at my belly (and some I can tell are thinking, "OMG She's HUGE!!!) first and then my face. And everyone seems to get this really odd expression that's somewhere between "Awww, ain't that sweet and wonderful!" and "There's a potential volcanic eruption of emotions right under the surface- tread lightly!".

Most women I have talked to have these horror stories of random strangers coming up to them and giving unwanted advice and/or touching their belly. I haven't had much of this. Well, none from strangers, only people I actually know, and that's different. What I have noticed from strangers is a reaction that falls into one of the following categories: 1) look of sympathy because they've been there, 2) a desire to be super helpful and careful (almost to a fault. I'm not going to break or go into labor if you look at me, promise.), and 3) they get this look of horror like pregnancy is a communicable disease and I should be in quarantine from the CDC. All I can say is, people are funny!!! It amazes me out I can encounter 3 different people and get three different responses!

The last thing I have noticed as being a prevailing trend are the comments about my size. Let me say the following, with all due respect and clarity: I am short. I mean, really short. I am 5ft tall. There is no place for this baby to go but out. My doctor is happy with my progress and moderate weight gain. I have not gained any more weight than is healthy and normal. Our last ultrasound showed that our baby is right in the middle of the road as far as size was concerned (42nd percentile)- not too big and not too small. Both baby and I are healthy and usually pretty happy. All this to say, I might look a little bigger than some people think I should, but I'm exactly normal for someone my size and build in her third trimester. Ok, now let me clear up this: I'm not any more concerned with my growing pregnancy size than most people are. Really. It's not always easy and sometimes I can be a little more sensitive about it, but on the whole, I'm really quite happy with my growing belly.

I can honestly say that even though pregnancy can be uncomfortable at times (and sometimes really, really uncomfortable), this pregnancy has been really easy (hoping it continues this way!). I am really enjoying this adventure, and it is most definitely an adventure! There are times I have felt less than great, but I am so deeply blessed than thankful for this season in my life. Each kick and jab is a blessing (even the ones that knock the wind out of me) and a gift that I cannot help but cherish. I know that in just a few short months, the baby will be here and our lives will be completely changed in the most amazing way possible. The adventure will continue- it will be a new adventure called parenthood! Can't wait!

It's Saturday

Well, it's Saturday. I don't know about you, but Saturdays around here are usually crazy busy! I'm glad to say that our Saturdays will now be a little less full, or well, I suppose it is more correct to say that Saturdays will not be minus a few tasks on our ever growing to do lists. Anyway, today is one of those wonderfully, all too infrequent, lazy Saturdays. We still have a few things to do, but there is less to do than normal.

When we have a weekend where we don't have to do something, be somewhere, etc, I like to make brunch. Purely consisting of breakfast food, just served at a time closer to lunch. (Who wants lunch food at brunch anyway?!? Not me!) It's really nice to make something different than a quick piece of toast and scrambled egg. Brunch food around here isn't fancy. Sometimes, it's quickly thrown together drop biscuits and sausage gravy. If we are on the go, it's cinnamon rolls from a can. Today, it was the easiest breakfast casserole recipe from my mom. Yes, I know those foods aren't particularly healthy, but they have their place as long as it's in moderation. After all, the great Julia Child said, "Everything in moderation, including moderation." :)

I can't help but wonder how different these kind of Saturdays will be once the baby is here. I know they will be drastically different, I just wonder about how. In what ways will they be different? It's exciting to think about those kind of changes for me! I'm guessing that I will be up waaaay earlier than currently, and I'm thinking there will be more coffee involved than now. I probably won't be making biscuits and gravy, but then again, I might.

Cooking is therapy for me. Last night, I made pizza for the first time in months. It was blissful. And the husband raved over and over about how good it was! It was a simple, bum around the house night. We ate homemade pizza and drank coke for dinner while we watched "The West Wing" on Netflix. Simple. No-frills. Just us being us. It's easy to get nostalgic with so much change headed for us in the next few months. It's easy to get overwhelmed with how fast everything is already changing and all that we have left to do before the baby arrives. But in spite of it all the hustle and bustle and loosing my mind from the craziness of an ever-growing to do list, I love my life. It's not perfect, but life doesn't have to be perfect to be great.

I am learning and growing. I'm seeing myself in a new light. Maybe it's that I'm seeing the same old me in a different perspective. I still struggle with the same issues, although I am noticing that they are perhaps magnified and/or manifested in a different way than before. I am finding more enjoyment out of the small things in life. I get excited when there's a sale of diapers. I find myself dreaming of nursery rhymes and toothless grins. It's the little things.

I still have moments when I get overwhelmed with everything (but hey, who doesn't?!) but they pass and I move forward. I dream of baby dedication at church, surrounded by family and friends- what a special day that will be?! I dream of my child loving Jesus and loving people. I dream. That's how I'm spending my Saturday. It's bliss.

Well, This is Awkward...

You know those times when you have a brilliant, completely masterful plan? Well, we've passed that. I had a plan... Aaaand things didn't go the way I planned, which is why the following announcement is going to be well, a little awkward.

Drum roll please... WE'RE PREGNANT!!!!! That's right, the husband and I are expecting our first little bundle of joy!!!! I'm sure you're probably wondering, "What makes this so awkward?" Well, the thing is, we didn't just find out that I'm pregnant, we kinda found out a few months ago.

This was my plan: wait and post about the pregnancy the week we enter the second trimester. Well, we've been in the second trimester for a little while now and I'm just now finding the time to post anything. You know what they say about the best laid plans...

Anyway, Baby and I are both doing well. I am very thankful that my first trimester was fairly mild; very light morning sickness (and BTW, a man must have come up with the term "morning sickness" because any pregnant woman it's not limited to the just mornings, it's all the time!). I was really, REALLY tired, and I couldn't gook anything! That's right- I DIDN'T COOK for the better part of 3 months. Thankfully, I am back cooking away again and my energy is coming back.

I have read all kinds of things about how most women won't start showing until they are at least 12 weeks along and how you can make your regular clothes work through the second trimester. Yeah, right. I started showing at 8 weeks! Not even kidding. I'm short, as in 4-6 inches shorter than the average woman. This means, there ain't anywhere for this baby to go but out.

Sometimes, I feel HUGE and I'm a little touchy about it, but my drs (general practitioner and and OBGYN) aren't worried about anything. My weight gain is under control (thank God!) and all other signs are good- Baby and Momma are both happy and healthy!

We are thrilled and can't wait for Little Bit to get here!!!! Until then, we are thrilled about each milestone that we pass as my pregnancy progresses!

What's on my mind right now...

Ok, I know I haven't posted in a really long time, but here's a little something to tide you over until I can finish the few things I'm working on and post about them in a couple weeks.

Today, my mind is completely filled with the following...

Yep, that's right. I'm thinking about cinnamon rolls. Random, I know, but I really, REALLY want to make a big batch of them. I don't know why, but that's what I wish I could do. So, here are some more pictures of yumminess. 

These are actually orange marmalade rolls. Same difference. 

Oh, and these beauties are chocolate chip cookie rolls  :) 

Ok, I'm sure I've made you all very hungry right now. Good. Now go make some cinnamon rolls since I don't have time to do it today and tell me how they are ;) 

Credit: All of these photos and recipes are from The Pioneer Woman and are available at her website.

Growing Up

So, I haven't posted in a while. There's a reason for that, but I'm afraid it isn't an all that great kind of reason. But, here it is: I've been busy with life and just haven't had anything to say.... Like I said, it's not very good, but it is true. To be honest, right now there are about 10,000 other things I could (maybe even should) be doing before I go into the office, but right now, I want some "me time". I am drinking my coffee, (now iced because I didn't get it finished before it cooled off and I hate reheating coffee in the microwave), while sitting in my recliner (oh how I love this chair!) and blogging.

To be honest, there is very little that has been exciting lately. My life is very ordinary. I work 40 hrs a week, have a great husband and 2 kitty-cats to take care of, an apartment to clean, hobbies to try and squeeze in a midst the necessity of seeing family and friends, work at the office, working at home, etc. Life is ordinary but very busy. Sometimes, life is overwhelming. Every fee like you just can't do it all? Yeah, I feel ya. Totally there.

This time last year, I was getting ready to start my first "big girl job" (aka full-time) while I was still a student. I was excited. Now, I can honestly say that I don't remember the first 4 months of my job. Why? The whole full-time job and full-time student combination was crazy, and I really, really don't remember most of it. I wish I did, but I'm guessing that it's a good thing I don't :).

I can also say that I miss being a student. (I know, I'm a total geek. Oh well, I've made peace with it.) Seriously, I miss learning, going to class, the sense of community, books- I miss school. (But I can say with total certainty that I DO NOT miss tests/exams or writing papers all the time. Never.) There is so much promise when you are a student. You can do anything. Be anything. Dream anything. Do anything. Now that I'm a "grown up", or at the very least have a grown up job, that sense of promise and feeling of the sky being my limit is not as prevalent as it used to be. I'm not trying to be melodramatic here. I know that I'm still young and that I have lots of years left ahead of me to do whatever with and make my own, but it's not quite the same.

This past year has really been a year for growing up very quickly. Perhaps too quickly. I'm not saying that I don't love me life- I truly, LOVE MY LIFE! But that doesn't mean it has been easy, or that given the chance I would do things a little differently. Oh well, there's no changing the past.

So now what? Well, now I just keep growing. Growing in Jesus. Growing as a wife, sister, daughter, friend. Growing as an employee. Growing as me. I haven't gotten this whole balance thing down yet and I'm pretty sure that no one does (makes me feel good to realize that). Each day, I have the chance to learn more about Jesus and to learn more about myself. Each day, I can choose to be more like Jesus that I was yesterday and each day I can choose to do things differently than I did the day before.

Maybe that sense of promise is still there, but maybe it's just packaged differently. What do you think?

Waiting

I have seriously been working on this post for several weeks. Seriously. We have had a death in the family (more on that at a later time) and, in addition to that, I haven't been able to gather my thoughts so that what has been in my heart will make sense to anyone else. I think I'm finally at a place where I can say what's been in my heart and do so in such a way that (hopefully) it all makes sense. (PS: I am leaving most of this in the tense it was originally written). Thank you for letting me share my heart with you.

Do you ever have those moments where the Lord speaks so clearly that you look around to see if someone is else is in the room with you? I just had one of those moments. My friend Lisa, just started a new blog about her family and how they are journeying through the loss of their older son/brother and holding tightly to the Lord's loving hand. Last week, Lisa posted a video of a song that played on the radio and really spoke to her heart. The song is "While I'm Waiting". I had read Lisa's other posts but hadn't watched/listened to the video yet (just got a new computer and my old one wouldn't play the video). As I watched the video today, I realized why the song had spoken to Lisa, but then I realized that the Lord had a message for me too.

"While I'm Waiting" talks about waiting for the Lord with hope and patience. It talks about worshiping and serving while we wait for Him. The Lord reminded me that we are to wait for Him and for His timing. Sometimes, I feel like my life has been spent waiting. As a child, I waited until I was a grownup to do things I thought were cool but wasn't allowed to do (like staying up past my bedtime, driving, etc). I waited for the husband God had chosen for me. I waited for a 'big girl' job for over a year after completing the interview process. Sometimes, I feel like I have waited for my life to begin.

As Christians, we do a lot of waiting. But waiting is not an excuse to do nothing. We are to wait with expectancy. We are to wait with hope. We are to wait with patience. Some days, it seems like I want to pull my hair out with all of this waiting! Let's face it, I'm human and not always filled with hope, or patience, or expectancy. Some days, I just want to tell the Lord what He can do with all this waiting- give it to someone else and give me what I want right then! Praise Him for Grace everyday, and especially on those days when I'm extra cranky because He must grant me an extra portion on those days when I'm acting more like a spoiled child than the Christ follower He created me to be.

Isaiah 40:31 tells us, "... those who wait on the LORD will gain new strength. They will mount up with wings like eagles. They will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary". Years ago, I learned from a precious Sunday school teacher and family friend that "wait" implies resting in the Lord. We gain our strength and the ability to soar like eagles when we rest on Who our God is and recognizing what He has done. He is Who He says He is, does what He says He will do and He doesn't change.

The original Hebrew uses a word for "wait" that means "to wait expectantly for". Think of it as a child on Christmas Eve waiting for the night to end and the morning to begin, or knowing that something you ordered online is set to arrive tomorrow- you'd be pretty excited, right? Well, that is the idea is that when we are waiting to hear from the Lord, see Him work in our lives/a circumstance (btw, I know that for me personally, He often uses my circumstances to draw me closer to Him and thus does a work in me, and not necessarily my situation), etc we should wait expecting Him to do something. The kicker though, is that we should be waiting with the realization that what He is doing is far greater than we could ever imagine, meaning, we should not wait expecting Him to act in a specific way that we have deemed necessary through our prideful and preconceived notions. We can always expect Him to act in such a manner that is totally a completely in line with His character as is revealed through Scripture.

Waiting isn't easy, it's difficult. But waiting is good for us. Those times in our lives when it feels like all we do is wait for The Lord are precious moments- a gift- that are completely unique from other times and seasons in our lives. I am learning that our seasons of waiting often have special lessons, and in some cases, I have a more teachable spirit (not always the case, but sometimes it is).

Waiting is not an excuse to do nothing. Waiting isn't easy, it doesn't come naturally for me. I'm not writing this post because I think I've got it all figured out. The truth is, I don't have it figured out at all. This post is coming directly from my heart and what the Lord spoke to me. I think that if I'm learning about waiting, I want to share it because someone else out there is probably learning it too.

So this is where I am, learning about waiting and learning to wait on the LORD's timing. Sometimes I wish I had His watch, but that would defeat the purpose. Our challenge is to wait with hope, expecting God to do something far greater than we could ever have imagined. Our challenge is to take action when we wait- to continue serving, loving, worshiping. I don't know if waiting ever gets easier, but I know that with each season of waiting, we learn something new about our Father and that's a precious gift. Our challenge is is remember that waiting is not an excuse to do nothing. 

A sweet friend of mine recently shared a blog post she found. I read the post and loved it so much that I am linking it here so you can read it too. I can honestly say that I wish I had read this sooner because it really gives a great reminder to those of us who are married and is a great view of a Christian marriage for those of you out there who aren't married. I hope it will bless you, married or single, as much as it has blessed me.

http://gracefullmama.com/20-things-i-want-to-tell-engaged-and-newlywed-women/

Trey Erwin Day

I have been trying for almost a month to write today's post, but I never really felt like it was the right time, or that I had the words, or that I even wanted to say anything. But today seems like it is the most fitting day to open up.

On July 5, my brother's best friend and my mom's best friend's son went home to be with Jesus after a fight with pancreatic cancer. (There are a couple of previous posts that you can dig around and find with a little more detail about the Trey's journey.) Today would have been Trey's 16th birthday, and in the town where he grew up, the mayor declared today to be Trey Erwin Day.

Yes, today is a difficult day, in some ways. But I can't help but remember our sweet time of worship at Trey's Celebration (and yes, that's what we call it because that's what it was). There were 2,000 ish people in attendance in our home church, all singing and worshipping the Risen Lord Jesus. You want to talk about awesome- that was it! We had glowsticks, bright colors everywhere and while there were tears, the Joy in the room was so palatable that you couldn't help but recognize the presence of the Spirit. If you would like to view the service, here's the link.

The past month, the Lord has been using Trey's life, battle and celebration as a powerful teaching tool in my life. I will openly admit that I asked the Lord how he could allow His 16 year old child to have such an awful disease- how are You just when this seems so unjust? The Lord quietly and lovingly taught me about his character- God is GOOD and JUST not because of the circumstances that I can observe with my senses and my mind but because it is Who He IS.

You may have heard the following chant: "God is good all the time. All the time God is good." I have said this countless time, meaning every word but not fully understanding the implications of what I was saying. This is an affirmation of God's character. When we talk about God being good, we are making a statement about His character, not merely the circumstances that surround us.

If God's goodness is dependent on the circumstances in our life then he ceases to be all-knowing, all-loving all of the time. Which would contradict Scripture. Seeing as how that isn't possible, there must be more to it. God transcends our circumstances. He is GOOD even when our circumstances are not. He is JUST, even when our circumstances are not.

How does this relate to our daily life? I'm still trying to learn this part of the lesson better, but what I understand so far is that God's character doesn't change and that when I walk through something wonderful, He is there. When I walk through something painful, He is there too. In each situation he is there, and He is holding me, and I never have to walk through anything alone. The situation will still be filled with emotions, but He is there, collecting each tear (Ps 58:6). He is working it all together for His Glory and our Good (James 1 and Romans 8:28).

This is where I've been the past month or so. The Lord is so gracious to me, patiently teaching me how to walk closer with Him. Even though Trey was not my personal friend, he was by brother best friend, the son of my mom's best friend (and my friend too). We grieve for our loss, but we are jealous because Trey is with Jesus, and it doesn't get any better than that.

Tomorrow is my Favorite

Tomorrow is Saturday. I LOVE Saturday!!!!! Do you know why? Saturday is date day. Recently, my hubby and I have started to go on a brunch date every Saturday morning (well, morningish) because it's some of the only time during the week that we have together when one or both of us isn't working (long story but the short part is that we have 2 very different work schedules so we take time together when we can get it). 

We have "discovered" a little bistro at our new favorite bookstore. (Ok, I knew it was there but hadn't been inside in a while because we had lived across town and he had never been in. Oh my, don't I enrich his life?!) Let me tell ya why this is our favorite bookstore: they sell BOOKS!!!! I know, amazing, life changing, even EARTH SHATTERING; a bookstore that sells books (if you've been to Barns and Noble lately, then you understand the significance of this). Well, that's not the only reason. We also love it because it is a local store. We love supporting local businesses, artists, restaurants, pretty much anything! We believe it is importnat to support your local establishments because it is those shops, restaurants, artists, authors, etc that give back to the community and that's pretty awesome. 

Anyway, the bookstore has a bistro and that's where we've been having our brunch dates the past few weeks. Tomorrow, I think we will branch out and try something new. Dunno just yet. 

In other news, it's late and I'm waiting for the hubby to get back from a movie with his brother and I've heard there may be a late night Sonic run or something too... Fingers crossed on this one! Also, I will post soon about all that has gone on the past month or so- it's been CRAZY!!!! We've walked through a lot but I have learned sooooo much through it all- above all the Lord is GOOD and He is FAITHFUL! I'm finally at the point where I think I can share with you what has been going on. 

And you will also be glad to know, drum roll, please. . . . . . . I BAKED PIES! Yes, that is correct, p-i-e-S, as in PLURAL, meaning more than one! I decided that I had been wanting to make my husband's grandmother's chocolate chess pie and that now was as good a time as any. Since pie crusts come 2 to a package and my freezer is insanely small, and I had extra evaporated milk (read: I bought the big can and not the small one), I decided that I'd make another one. Pictures soon, they are on my phone (sad i know, but it was handy) and once I pull them off the phone I will share. 

I think that's all for now- I need to go make sure I can find shoes for that Sonic run! More to come soon! 

Partial Summer Recap and a 30 Day Challenge

It's summer!!!!! I'd say that means a break from everything but, being a grown up means that summer isn't quite like it used to be. Oh well. To get you caught up on a few things:

1. Last week, we went on a mini vacation with my family to see my brother graduate from Army AIT (Advanced Individual Training) and bring him home. After graduation, we all went to stay with sweet friends at their lake house. (Bob and Joyce, you are the BEST! I can't tell you how wonderful it was to spend time with you and just relax- THANK YOU!!!!! We love you!!!!) Our friends actually happen to be some of my parents closest friends from when they were all newly weds/young marrieds. What's really great is that Bob and Joyce have a daughter and three sons and my parents apparently thought it was a good idea since they have a daughter (me!!!) and three sons!

2. I will post pictures soon from the above mentioned trip. I got a new camera lens for my baby Nikon and it was awesome! But I'm still wading through all the photos (and trust me, that's  TON, well, actually somewhere between 800-1000) and once I can get rid of the bad ones (aka, closed eyes, fuzzy faces, back of heads, etc) I will post pictures.

3. I have another blog post coming out soon (like today, or tomorrow) but have to finish reading the article that sparked the idea to post about this topic.

4. Our "little" (aka young) cat is running spastic circles around the house right now.

5. This post is more than just a list of randomness.

Ok, so here's the REAL point this post: a challenge. I have been reading Jesus Calling by Sarah Young as part of my personal Bible study. This book is wonderful! It has been used by the Lord to draw me closer to Him in the midst of friends being ill with cancer, crazy schedules, etc. I Highly recommend this book. (And I think you know that I don't recommend Bible studies/ devotional books very often, so this is kind of a big deal.)

I have recently discovered that right before I go to bed is a good time for me to have my quiet time. I work late most nights (not by my choice but because that is just the way my job is) and usually the house is quiet and hubby is asleep or almost asleep when I get home. This allows me the time to spend with the Lord, when everything is quiet and there are fewer distractions (even the kitties are tired at that point). Last night's entry in Jesus Calling made me wish I had read it month ago!

I have been struggling with being thankful for all things in my life, specifically the difficult stuff that's painful, not the way I like it and just down tight yuck. But we are supposed to count trials as joy (James 1) and be thankful in all things (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18) and rejoice in the Lord regardless of circumstance (Philippians 4:4-6). To say I haven't been very good at that would be accurate, ok, it would be an understatement. I have been anything but joyful, thankful and rejoicing.

Yesterday, I began learning about praying in faith and thanking God for the difficult things in my life. I get the idea that prayer and faith go together, like praying in faith that God will heal someone, but it never really occurred to me that I should be praying in faith to give thanks to the Lord for the stuff in life that is difficult. So... I have decided to start a challenge: for the next 30 days, I am going to daily thank the Lord for the things in my life that are trials, painful, difficult, and just plain "not fair" in my view.

Recap from day 1: It hurts. It is incredibly difficult to give thanks for those situations, etc that cause me pain. It is peaceful. I know that I am turning it all over to the Lord and He can handle it. It is like being forced to apologize as a child. Remember, when you were a kid and you hit your brother/sister and you mom made you say, "I'm sorry" and hug? Well, giving thanks for trials and difficulties is just like that right now: I don't feel thankful and I'm not really thankful, but I am going through the act of giving thanks, in the hope and faith that I will learn to be thankful, or something like that. I am trusting that God will use this to work in my heart.

So, that's the challenge. 30 days of giving thanks for the difficulties and trials in your life, in faith that God will show you more of Himself, make you more like Jesus, etc. Are you up for the challenge?

Fifty Shades of Grey: the reasons I won't read it

I love to read. I have mentioned this fact before. I do not claim to always read excellent works written by the most brilliant of authors on the planet, filled with all four syllable words that can't easily be pronounced. BUT, I don't like to read things that are not well written. There are many topics that catch my interest and so I will read a variety of books, on a variety of topics, written in a variety of styles, but if it isn't well written then I won't finish the book. 

Recently, there has been a book that has come to the top of the NY Times Best Seller List. This book has been the "talk of the town" and made the circuit of almost all the major television shows. This book has created some controversy, too (and not, controversy isn't a requirement for great literature, more on this in a minute). Some libraries are talking about banning the book. Yet, thousands of people, many of whom women, are flocking to read this book and getting on waiting lists for copies. What is this book? "Fifty Shades of Grey". 

I won't be reading this book. And at this point, I'd like to stop and say that if you have read this book, are reading this book or have decided to read this book, then that is your decision and I am totally alright with that. I am not judging anyone. I am in no place to determine what kind of a person you are based on what you read, etc. I might disagree with you, but I'm not passing judgment on whether or not you are a good person, etc. 

I won't be reading this books for several reasons. The first reason is because I didn't think it sounded like a book I would enjoy. Yeah, I know. Not a very "scholarly" or "godly" reason. Oh well. It's true. If I don't think I will enjoy a book and it's not required for something, then I'm not going to force myself to read it. Originally, I didn't give it much more thought than that. 

But wouldn't you know, that shortly thereafter, everything changed? I read this article by Dana Gresh and I started thinking. I realized that there were more reasons I didn't need to read "Fifty Shades of Grey". Read Dana's article and decide for yourself if you should or shouldn't read this book. I'm not here to make any decisions for you, but the article is interesting and I would rather share it with you so that you can make an informed decision than not. 

I don't think that this books is good reading. I don't think that it is well written. Personal opinion. And I'm not going to get into all my reasons for not reading this book. Dana's article covers them very eloquently so I'm not going to try and do it again. But please, read the article. Think about what you are going to be putting into your mind and heart by "ingesting" the material in "Fifty Shades of Grey". 

Today I am thankful for...

Today, I am thankful for a God who knows what we need before we do.
Today, I am thankful for the stability that Jesus offers (Is33:6).
Today, I am thankful for a husband who loves and supports me.
Today, I am thankful for precious friends who pray for me when I need it most.
Today, I am thankful for my God still being on His throne.
Today, I am thankful for Jesus, my Prince of Peace.

So, what are you thankful for today?

Books and Reading

I have loved books for the majority of my life. Since I was very young, I have had what would probably be an obsession with books. This doesn't mean that I always enjoyed reading. I actually struggled when I was learning to read and it wasn't exactly my favorite thing to do, but I still loved books. Weird, I know.

Eventually, I got the whole reading thing down and have been on a roll ever since. I read everything, even cereal boxes... and I read those more than once, not on purpose though, only because they are in my face when I eat cereal. But I digress.

Anyway. One of the reasons I love to read is that my parents, particularly my dad. My Dad and I had a very special way of spending time together: he would read to me almost every night. This tradition stated when I was very young. So young that I could barely write my name on the check out card at our church library but that didn't matter. I can remember that although I could barely write my name, I would still check out a Nancy Drew Book (I felt very much like a big girl for choosing such a big book) and my Dad would ask, "Now, are you sure you want me to read this to you? It might be kind of scary.". But I told him that I didn't care and to read it anyway. (To this day, I still love Nancy Drew books.) This tradition with my Dad slacked off for a few of my teen years but right up until I got married, my Dad would still read to me and as I listened, I would work on a knitting project (yes, I know, I'm a very boring person) or something similar. 

I have always felt that the characters in books we my friends and that by reading books, I could be part of their story. It's time traveling and flying around the globe without buying the plane ticket or having a time machine. Bliss. 

For my college graduation, my husband bought me a Kindle eReader by Amazon. I had originally thought that I would never like an eReader because "I like to turn the pages. Books must have real pages and a real cover. Anything else is fake..."... Yeah. I was a book snob. And discovered that I was wrong about the Kindle after playing around with one. I LOVE my Kindle! {Please note, this is not an endorsement of any product. Amazon doesn't know me and doesn't care what I think.} I love that I can read a trial section to determine if I like the book and want to buy it. I love that it is so light and holds 3,500ish books. I love it. 

This is not to say that I don't still buy "real" books, you know, the ones with the cover and binding and pages made from paper. I definitely still love real books. I will always love real books and will continue to purchase them when I feel so inclined. 

My husband and I have quite a collection of books. See: 

What's kinda sad is that most of them are mine and that's only about 1/2 of the ones I own (most of my children's books are in storage). {The reason they are on the floor under a table is because we were painting the living room and had to more the book cases.}

Yes, we like to read. Yes, we like books. And yes, we are okay with that. I hope that someday we will instill in our future children a love for books and reading too. Silly, I know, but it's true. Then again, they might not stand a chance with book addicted parents like us! 

Happy Thursday!

Blog Love: Photography

One of my newest favorite blogs is improvephotography.com. I love taking pictures but I am in no way a photographer. I have my totally great Nikon camera and haven't used it as much as I'd like. This blog is fantastic because the instructions are simple and the topics range from basic to more advanced- great for someone like me who wants to learn how to take better pictures without spending $100's-1000's of dollars in classes and stuff that I don't need right now.

If you like photography, check it out- you will be glad you did!

I'm a Grump

Ever have one of those days where it just starts off wrong? Yeah, me too. Today as a matter of fact is one of those days. I won't bore you with the details of it all, but starting the day with any type of adrenaline rush before your feet it the floor isn't a way that I suggest starting your day. 

Today, I am struggling with my attitude. This is more like me at the moment. 

{Grumpy}

I know that I will spend the rest of the day fighting to keep my inner Grumpy under control. Somedays are just like that. The good news is that my Jesus loves me even when I have a bad attitude (or as a friend used to say, a "bad-a-tude"), and he is working daily on changing my "bad-a-tude" into a "glad-a-tude" (an attitude of gladness). 

I hope today you have a "glad-a-tude", and I'm going to do my best to have one too! 

Please, Read This Article

I'm linking up this post to an article I read a week or two ago. It deals with kids, and as you know, we don't have any. This little fact doesn't mean that the article doesn't apply to me. At the heart of this article is the idea that we as women need to stop comparing ourselves to each other.

Confession time: I do this. I do this A LOT! I don't look like ______. My house isn't clean or decorated like __________. You get the idea.

But here's the deal: the people in our lives don't care if we aren't just like Ms. So-and-So. The people in our lives who really care about us, love us for who WE  are, just as we are.

My husband married me because he loves ME, not because I'm someone else. My husband loves me, flaws, quirks and imperfections included (even if I do make him a little crazy every now and then- it's good for him, right? ;) This means that I need to stope trying to be someone I'm not. This means I need to stop comparing myself to someone else and just embrace being me. No guilt trips. No wishing I could do something as good as ___________.

The other thing this article pointed out was that we are often comparing ourselves to the random assortment of odds and ends that we find on blogs, magazines, TV and Pinterest. Before you think I'm going to bask Pinterest, I'm not. I LOVE Pinterest. It's a huge help for me when I'm planning meals, looking for ideas for decorating my home, or just feel like wasting time. Pinterest is a great resource for researching all kinds of stuff. Pinterest and I are tight. BUT, if I let Pinterest control my life and the way I view myself, or allow it to determine my self-worth, then it's time to step back and call time out.

My value doesn't come from how clean, organized and perfectly decorated my house is, complete with the perfectly cooked meal in the oven. My value doesn't come from the clothes I wear or how I look. My value comes from the One who made me. My value comes because of who Christ has done in my life and what He is continuing to do in my life (Have I mentioned that I'm glad He's not through molding and shaping me yet? Cuz I'm really, as in REALLY-CRAZY-GLAD He's not done with me yet!)

God created me for a purpose. He created me with a specific set of skills, abilities, dreams and talents that all fit together for that purpose. (I'm still working on understanding that purpose, but one step at a time, right?) He has made me unique. Unique means I'm different from you, but it's good. Our purposes and journeys to those purposes are different, but that's all in the design. It's good, really good.

As you read the article, be encouraged. Be yourself. Embrace what God has given you and the road He's got you traveling.

Here's the Article. I hope it is as encouraging for you as it is for me.

Learning

Sometime, life isn't easy. I'm pretty sure you can agree with this observation. Right now, life isn't particularly easy. I cry, a LOT, and about everything. Every emotion you can think of, I express through tears. It's kinda pathetic, I tell ya... and annoying. Let's not forget how I manage to annoy myself by crying. It's a hassel. Having said this, I should also mention that my life is still wonderful.

My circumstances do not change the fact that my life is wonderful. I serve a loving, LIVING Lord who counts every tear, knows every need and never leaves me to walk through anything on my own. I am blessed to have a wonderful, loving husband who puts up with me and walks with me through it all- the easy and the difficult, the good and the not so good. I have the best family and friends in the world who support me and encourage me. I. Am. Blessed.

This is not to say my life is perfect. It's not. It won't ever be. Some days, I just feel like running away and joining the circus. But I don't. I won't. I will walk through all of this life I am blessed to call mine. I will feel each moment of joy and each moment of sorrow. I will give thanks and praise to the One who gives every good and perfect gift.

Lately, the Lord has been teaching me to trust Him, even when things are going the way I'd like. He's been teaching me to take a deep breath and give him thanks for all things. He's been teaching me that when it's hard to trust, choose to trust for each moment and breath, and when the next breath comes along, trust Him for that one as well. It isn't easy but it's worth it. He is showing me where peace is found. It's a good place, but a difficult one.

My sink is full of dirty dishes, my dishwasher is full of clean ones. My laundry, both clean and dirty runneth over. The house needs to be vacuumed, dusted, moped and scrubbed. But that's life. And I'm okay with that.